Shifting Gears: Pastor Mom?

It's always been difficult for me to not be (somewhat) defined by what I do. In high school, it was as the captain of this team or that or the president of this club or a member of that committee.  In university, it was as a member of the Senate, someone on the basketball team, the editor of the paper.  In the post-graduate-work-world, so much of my life has been consumed by my role as a pastor and being entrenched in working at The Meeting House.  I know that being a pastor is my calling and I absolutely love what I do.  And so, it is quite easy to feel so attached to what I do.

But I know that I need to keep that separate from who I am.
Easier said than done.

I am currently on maternity leave.  I love my daughter.  I love being home with her and for her, but I can't help but feel lost in this transition.  Shifting gears has been of two extremes: the most natural thing in the world, and the most difficult.

And so, here I am: in love with this 5 week old piece of perfection, staring at her as I write; and feeling like this other piece of me is missing.  I miss being in the midst of everything.  I miss planning, writing, organizing, meeting, talking.  However, I know - without a doubt - that once I return to work I will want to be at home with my daughter.  I don't want to miss words, or steps, or funny faces. 

The reality is that in shifting gears to parenthood I have a new calling that I love: being a mom.  But I can't help but wonder how to balance both the pastor-and-mom callings.  And, truthfully, I don't have a load of role models in this realm that I can see how to do it.  But I don't just want to do it, I want to do it well.  Both roles.  I don't want being a pastor to inhibit how I care as a mother.  I want it to enhance who I am as a mother.

And so, here I am.  I have 7 months left on my maternity leave, and can't wait to be working again.  Meanwhile, I can't imagine being away from my little pile of perfect for hours at a time.  I haven't actually seen any "pastor moms" return to work, so I'm not sure what the balance looks like.  I feel as though I'll be blazing my own trail in this way, even though I know there have been many others do this before me (I've never seen it in action).   

So, I'm praying this will be a Holy Shift!  Pastoring meets motherhood in a healthy and balanced way.  Taking more of my identity from motherhood than pastoring.  Being a solid example for my daughter and balancing that with time with my husband.  And still being able to be a great pastor that is lead in the direction God wants me. 

Here I go...shifting gears.